I know where I'm ultimately headed. But sometimes I get confused along the way. Some people say that life is black and white, and then there are those that live in between that scoff at the people who can't see gray. I don't even know what I'm seeing. I look at things, at people, and they just are how they are. For the most part I'm living how I want to live and I'm working towards becoming who I want to be, and even though people I'm close to live very different lives than me, it's okay. I haven't always thought this way. I used to live my life looking through binoculars, only through the side that makes things look smaller, not bigger. I didn't know how many other ways of living there are. I guess maybe I used to be one of those black-and-white folks, but now I'm kinda ridin' in no-man's land. I'm not looking through sunglasses, I do know that there is definitely a right and a wrong; I'm just hanging from a tree in an odd position where maybe I'm not looking at the same things as everybody else in this world, and I need to figure out how to get my view back down to the point it used to be at, without sacrificing my knowledge of other people's views. Ya know, do a back-flip off the branch I'm hanging from, land safely on the ground, and then look through my binoculars the correct way, instead of cutting others out of my sight like before.
My heart is also in no-man's land. Almost everything in life right now makes sense in my head, but I feel kind of like my heart was put in a sound-proof room, maybe one of the practice rooms in the dungeon of the Harris Fine Arts building on BYU campus. Or maybe it was put in a fish aquarium, with a lid tight on top, so I can kinda feel when something shakes it, but everything is muffled and dulled. People can come and look at it and tap the glass, but it's not really moving anywhere. It's a slightly weird sensation. I'm trying to make decisions right now that, it would be nice if my heart would give me a little clue of what it's feeling, but I have to rely on just my head to tell me what's logical. Logic isn't always right. So, I make a choice in my head, then wait for my heart to react because, I think that's how things are supposed to work. Buuuuut...my heart won't tell me anything. Not good or bad. It just sits there. Neutral. In no-man's land. In the fishbowl. Wearing sunglasses. A blob of muscle that, yes, is keeping me alive physically, but I'm pretty sure that's not all it's there for.
Is there a solution to this? Let's check with my head really fast....
Yeah, my head tells me that, technically, I should be able to change this. Oh, I have a good idea, why don't we ask my heart?
. . .
"Bla bla bla, you can either change it, or just keep it the same. I don't care. I'm content with either outcome. I kinda like just floating around this fish tank."
I don't know where I'm going with this. Basically all I'm saying is, hopefully you're not waiting for me to make a decision that is crucial to your well-being. And I'm not saying I'm unhappy, because life is good. I'm not extremely in love or extremely hateful towards anyone or anything, I'm merely content. Contentment is okay, because that means I'm not sad. However, I'm not content with staying content forever...
