No-man's Land

I know where I'm ultimately headed. But sometimes I get confused along the way. Some people say that life is black and white, and then there are those that live in between that scoff at the people who can't see gray. I don't even know what I'm seeing. I look at things, at people, and they just are how they are. For the most part I'm living how I want to live and I'm working towards becoming who I want to be, and even though people I'm close to live very different lives than me, it's okay. I haven't always thought this way. I used to live my life looking through binoculars, only through the side that makes things look smaller, not bigger. I didn't know how many other ways of living there are. I guess maybe I used to be one of those black-and-white folks, but now I'm kinda ridin' in no-man's land. I'm not looking through sunglasses, I do know that there is definitely a right and a wrong; I'm just hanging from a tree in an odd position where maybe I'm not looking at the same things as everybody else in this world, and I need to figure out how to get my view back down to the point it used to be at, without sacrificing my knowledge of other people's views. Ya know, do a back-flip off the branch I'm hanging from, land safely on the ground, and then look through my binoculars the correct way, instead of cutting others out of my sight like before.

My heart is also in no-man's land. Almost everything in life right now makes sense in my head, but I feel kind of like my heart was put in a sound-proof room, maybe one of the practice rooms in the dungeon of the Harris Fine Arts building on BYU campus. Or maybe it was put in a fish aquarium, with a lid tight on top, so I can kinda feel when something shakes it, but everything is muffled and dulled. People can come and look at it and tap the glass, but it's not really moving anywhere. It's a slightly weird sensation. I'm trying to make decisions right now that, it would be nice if my heart would give me a little clue of what it's feeling, but I have to rely on just my head to tell me what's logical. Logic isn't always right. So, I make a choice in my head, then wait for my heart to react because, I think that's how things are supposed to work. Buuuuut...my heart won't tell me anything. Not good or bad. It just sits there. Neutral. In no-man's land. In the fishbowl. Wearing sunglasses. A blob of muscle that, yes, is keeping me alive physically, but I'm pretty sure that's not all it's there for. 

Is there a solution to this? Let's check with my head really fast....

Yeah, my head tells me that, technically, I should be able to change this. Oh, I have a good idea, why don't we ask my heart?

. . .

"Bla bla bla, you can either change it, or just keep it the same. I don't care. I'm content with either outcome. I kinda like just floating around this fish tank."

I don't know where I'm going with this. Basically all I'm saying is, hopefully you're not waiting for me to make a decision that is crucial to your well-being. And I'm not saying I'm unhappy, because life is good. I'm not extremely in love or extremely hateful towards anyone or anything, I'm merely content. Contentment is okay, because that means I'm not sad. However, I'm not content with staying content forever...

Are my resolutions being resolved?

So, here we are, halfway through 2010...Have you been working towards the New Years resolutions you made? Do you even remember what you resolved to do? Here's an update on how I've been doing...

I made a goal to go to the temple at least twice a month while I was living in Provo...I done good (yes, I meant to use improper grammar) in January, but then went for a while without going...and I went at the end of May, but basically, I need to repent and be better when I get back down to Provo.

So...clean my room every Saturday...uh, nope! Kinda completely forgot about that one! I did keep my half of my apartment room a lot cleaner winter semester than I did fall semester, though.

I also had the goal to get together with my siblings and siblings-in-law that live in Provo at least twice a month...I saw Kyle & Jennifer and Daxson a lot, but I've only been to Jerry and Danielle's like twice in the past 4 months. Shame! I'll be better next semester.

And then...be on-time for my 8:00 Music Theory class...That one went fairly well. Actually, I was late a lot, but I justify my tardiness 'cause lots of people were late for that class. So...I don't need to be better, I just need to not sign up for 8:00 classes in the future...unless there happens to be a cute boy in that class again to tempt me into forcing myself to wake up that early...

So, I guess I should maybe work a little harder for the second half of the year. Oh, I haven't completely failed with my resolutions...'cause my roommates and I dubbed "two-thousand ten" to be "the year of men." And that's going quite well :)

Rejoice Through Fasting

     A couple days ago I went to the Provo temple with my roommate and two of the guys in our ward to do baptisms for the dead. We got there and could see through the window from the front desk into the waiting room for the baptistry that it was completely full. The worker at the desk told us there would be at least a two hour wait, so we went on in and started our waiting!
     I love the Spirit in the temple. Because we had a couple hours of just sitting and waiting to do confirmations and baptisms, there was a lot of time for reflecting and studying the scriptures. I read out of the Book of Mormon in Alma about Moroni's battle victories, and then I read the first verse of Alma 45 and something hit me that I'd never realized before:
     "Behold, now it came to pass that the people of Nephi were exceedingly rejoiced, because the Lord had again delivered them out of the hands of their enemies; therefore they gave thanks unto the Lord their God; yea, and they did fast much and pray much, and they did worship God with exceedingly great joy."
     The Nephites fasted to thank God for delivering them in battle! I'd never thought of fasting as anything except a way to ask God for things that you need, but the Nephites used it as a method of Thanksgiving. I guess that makes sense, though...we're told to pray not only when we want blessings, but also to thank our Father in Heaven for all that He has given us. I believe that praying and fasting are a blessing given to us more for our benefit than for God's, so maybe it would do me some good to have a fast every once in a while where I'm strictly thanking my loving Father in Heaven for all He has done for me. When's the last time you fasted just because you love God?
     I felt such a great peace and warmth this time that I went to the temple. One of the ladies working in the women's dressing room said that was the busiest she's seen the baptistry ever since she started working there, and we ended up being at the temple for 3 hours. Isn't it great that there were so many people there to do the work? I love living in Provo so close to a temple, and I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.

How Quickly Things Change In 33 Days:

33 days ago, I wasn't an aunt. Now, today, little Kalan is a month old! 33 days ago I didn't have pierced ears, and my hair was more than halfway down my back. 33 days ago I had 430 less iTunes songs than I do now. 33 days ago Oakley's ward boundaries were the same as they've been for the past 30 or so years. 33 days ago I'd never been snowboarding. 33 days ago I wasn't quite sick of Freshman guys. 33 days ago I didn't have a metronome for practicing my oboe, and I didn't even have my own oboe with me. 33 days ago I wasn't worried about keeping my scholarship. 33 days  ago my room was clean. 33 days ago I didn't have a boyfriend. Oh wait, I still don't! Darn. I guess some things take a little longer than 33 days to change.  

Back to Blogging...

I haven't blogged in over a year, since my 18th birthday. Now's as good a time as ever to start again, I guess! I don't know if anyone even reads my blog, but here goes!

Today's blog is going to be more of a stream of consciousness...Because I don't really have anything in particular to write about, I'll just keep rambling on for a while! Today is my first day back to college after Christmas break, and I'm going on to Semester #2! I really think I'm going to like my schedule this semester. I had Music Theory at 8:00 this morning, and now I'm done for the day! That's how my Fridays are going to be as well, and Wednesdays aren't too bad.

One may ask, "How has Jillian been at BYU a whole semester and she's not engaged yet, let alone gotten a boyfriend?!" The answer is simple: I'm in a Freshman ward! It really is a lot of fun. I love my bishop, and the kids in my ward are just fantastic. It's kind of sad how the world works at BYU; Freshman girls meet all those super-fun guys during their first year, and then all of them leave on their missions so us girls have to start all over again our Sophomore year! It also stinks for the guys 'cause when they get off their missions all the girls they met before are married. But life is good!

My roommates and I decided upon a new theme for our apartment this semester (Last semester it was Hawaiian pictures everywhere)...Disney princesses!! We concluded that, since only one of us six has ever kissed a guy, we're going to make "2010 the year of men!" It rhymes! On our front door into our apartment we have a castle and then underneath a picture of the 6 main Disney princesses with each of our names under them. I'm Sleeping Beauty, Amy is Snow White, Chanel is Jasmine, Sarah is Belle, Jessica's Cinderella, and Amanda is Ariel. When you come in through the front door and into our hallway, we have pictures of each of our princes. My Prince Philip is just dashing! But, yep, it's lots of fun!

With it being a new year, I decided to give in and make some resolutions. Here are a few of them:

• Go to the temple to do baptisms for the dead at least twice a month
• Clean my room at least every Saturday night so that it's clean for Sunday
• Get together with my older brothers (and Jennifer and Danielle) here in Provo at least twice a month (I only saw each of them a couple times last semester, which is pretty sad seeing as we all live within like a mile radius of each other)
• Be on-time for my 8:00 Music Theory class!

I think this year is going to be fantastic, and a big changing time in my life. (How could it not be fantastic with the theme "2010: The Year of Men"??!) I'm excited to continue on with school and all that good stuff.

Whelp, I'm off to do laundry and other important things! Adios.

Happy 18th Birthday?

Where is the justice in a world that allows a person to go from being a mature young lady one day to an immature little adult the next? Gretchen summed up my thoughts in one simple question: "Mommy, how come Jillian and Victoria turned a year older but they're still just as immature as before?" Really, I don't know the answer to that question. At least Victoria still has 2 years to become as mature as an adult, but I'm already thrust into this cold, cruel world of boring maturity.

So, tomorrow I get to go renew my driver's license... "Congratulations on turning 18! Now pay us $20.50 for a little piece of laminated paper." Happy birthday, right? Don't get me wrong, I had an amazing birthday. A lot of my friends remembered and wished me all kinds of happy birthdays (although it's probably just because Facebook reminded them it was my birthday) and my parents gave me fun and thoughtful presents (who wouldn't want a triple-barrel curling iron!?)...my boss and fellow-employees even brought me a present! All in all it was a great day. Supreme pizza for dinner, and chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting for dessert! Oh, and don't forget the Heavenly Hash ice cream!

I guess all I'm trying to say is, yes I'm glad I'm 18, but what's the point? I still have 6 months of high school, still have to obey every rule of my parents, although now I must also be mature while obeying them. I really have no more priveleges, just more responsiblities, and it seems I'm already falling short just 3 days into adulthood. The fact that I know that I really and truly am immature is at least a step to becoming the big adult that everyone expects me to be.