Baked Potatoes

This may be hard to believe, but there was once a time when I hated baked potatoes. How could I claim to be a true Idahoan and a hater of baked potatoes in the same breath? How did I live with myself?
 
I remember there being a period of my life when I couldn't decide if I even liked potatoes at all. My family would normally have potatoes with our Sunday dinners--boiled, mashed, stuck in stew (and baked)--and I couldn't decide how I felt about them. One week I'd eat a mound of mashed potatoes with a river of gravy, and the next I'd sit with my arms crossed in front of my plate, nose upturned. 
 
"Jillian, why aren't you eating your potatoes?" 
"I don't like potatoes!" 
"But...didn't you just eat them last week?" 
"I don't like them anymore." 
 
The next Sunday I'd be back to eating potatoes.
 
This happened multiple times. Do I know why it happened? No. Do I like analyzing weird things about myself, like why my tastes would change so rapidly from week to week, and then try to turn them into a metaphor of my life to explain my other weird tendencies? No. But some people like to do that. So you can if you want to.
 
I love potatoes now. I'm a potato girl. A true Idahoan. Boiled, mashed, baked, French fried, tater totted, scalloped, cheesy oven-baked, hash browned, stewed...even in the form of potato rolls and potato clocks! (Although I don't eat the clocks.) I love potatoes of all colors and forms. Except sweet potatoes, but those aren't really even potatoes. They're just gross.

Lucky, Blessed, Etc.

"O how great the holiness of our God! For he knoweth all things, and there is not anything save he knows it.
"And he cometh into the world that he may save all men if they will hearken unto his voice; for behold, he suffereth the pains of all men, yea, the pains of every living creature, both men, women, and children, who belong to the family of Adam."
2 Nephi 9:20-21

I really think I am the luckiest girl in the whole wide world. Which means God must be a perfect God and a perfect Father. One of my favorite things about my own parents is that they make me feel like I'm their favorite daughter. Their other three daughters are also their favorite daughters and they have five favorite sons. God is like that, times a million. He has such a special interest in each of our lives and knows each of us so well. Life can get hard and downright rotten, but the outpouring of God's love just seems to get greater and greater! God is forgiving. He has the power to heal. Each of His children is His favorite. 


I have been blessed with a lot. I have talents that are perfect for me. I have the best family in the universe. Fer reals. I'm getting an excellent education and am in the best major on all of BYU campus. I have good friends and people who show trust in me, even when I myself know how weak I am. But even in my weakness I am strong! Because every so often I get a glimpse of where I'm going, of who I will be, and it's a beautiful picture. Jesus Christ suffered for me, and I feel to exclaim as Nephi's brother Jacob, did: "O the wisdom of God, his mercy and grace!" "Oh how great the goodness of our God!" "O how great the plan of our God!" "O how great the holiness of our God!" 


I am the favorite. 

     I'm the luckiest person I know. 

I am blessed.

Love

I like making fun of random people I pass by on campus. It's easy to make fun of people you don't know and who you'll probably never see or think of again. Sometimes I'm accidentally judgmental. Sometimes I'm judgmental on purpose. 
     I have a lot of people who love me. I have a lot of good friends who care about me, but they don't all know me very well. There are some people who know me who don't really like me, I'm sure, and these are the people who know me even less than my not-super-close friends know me.
     I have a few best friends. They know a lot about me that most people don't know. They know that sometimes I can be cranky. They know that I'm not always selfless. They know that I tend to be boy crazy, a little bit lazy, and I'm sometimes a perfectionist. They know a lot of my flaws. But they love me anyway! They love me even more than my not-so-close friends do who only mostly see my good side. 
     My family knows me even better than my best friends do. They've lived with me for most of my life. They've fought with me, they've tried to teach me to share and love and work. They've seen me be overly angry and really sad. They've experienced hard things with me, they've forgiven me for hurting them. They know most of my weaknesses. And even though they know all these things, they still love me! They love me even more than my best friends do! They love me unconditionally. I don't think there's anything I could do to make them not love me. 
     I know myself. I know myself better than any of my friends know me, better than my family knows me. I know that sometimes I fall short of what I'm trying to accomplish. It's easy to be hard on myself. But I still love me! I love the gifts I've been blessed with, I love how my mind works, I love who I am. Despite all my flaws.
     God knows me perfectly. He knows things about me I don't even know. He knows all the things my acquaintances and friends know, He knows all that my family knows about me, He knows what I know, and He knows things about me that I haven't even discovered yet. He knows better than anyone my faults. He knows where I've faltered in the past, and what I'll have problems with in the future. He knows me so completely, and yet He still loves me completely! He loves me more than anyone, ever. His love is perfect for me. 
     I don't understand love. But I have come to better understand that the more you get to know someone, the more you love them. I have friends who, when I first met them, I really didn't think we'd get along. Some of them I didn't know if I wanted to try to get along. But, what always happens is, when I make an effort to get to really know them, I end up loving them! For all a person's imperfections, they still have something about them that makes it impossible to not love them. 
     In the process of getting to truly know someone, you usually get hurt. You learn things that could make you unhappy. But to really know someone you have to make it through these things. And then you love them. And each time you learn something new, each pleasant moment you experience or each battle you fight, you love that someone more and more. 
     I've been told that you can't claim to hate a piece of music until you've completely mastered it and know every part to it. A lot of times people say they hate a piece of music when they first start learning it, simply because they can't play it and it frustrates them. It doesn't sound good at first when you're stumbling to read and find notes. It's easy to just give up on these pieces to learn something easier. But if everyone did this, we'd miss out on a lot of great works! The more time you spend with a piece of music--learning about the composer, studying the form, practicing the notes and expression--the more beautiful it becomes, and you almost feel as if you own it. Maybe you do own it. I dare you to spend time making something beautiful and then try to hate it.
...
Knowledge is power. And power is love.

Eenie Meenie Miney Moe...

...Catch a tiger by the toe! Well, I'm not sure what exactly I'm trying to catch...I do know that I have a lot of choices, though. That's how my whole life seems to be the past few years: me trying to choose between two or three really good options, and then getting so fed up with not knowing what to do that I essentially play Eenie Meenie Miney Moe to decide, and hope that things turn out alright. And they usually do. So I guess it's a pretty good system!

I have a lot of big decisions to make this year. Isn't agency wonderful? Sometimes it can get depressing, not feeling like prayers are being answered in regards to making important choices, and not even knowing what I most want; 'cause if I knew what I wanted, then the choice wouldn't be difficult at all! It's the fact that every time I've had to make an important decision all choices I consider are good ones and are equally appealing that makes it frustrating to have to decide. But then, luckily, every once in a while I'm able to step back just a little bit and think, "Hey! I have multiple good choices in front of me! I must be doing something right." No matter what I choose, I'll be able to learn things and grow and develop relationships and...things will turn out alright!

"Agency used righteously allows light to dispel the darkness and enables us to live with joy and happiness" (http://lds.org/general-conference/2006/04/to-act-for-ourselves-the-gift-and-blessings-of-agency?lang=eng). One thing I want more than anything is to have God trust my decisions and therefore give me guidance when I really need it most. So I should be jumping for joy at the chance to use my agency and prove I'm capable of making good choices! 'Cause then guess what? Light will dispel the darkness and I can live with joy and happiness, knowing that I can make smart decisions and God is watching over me. And, not even just in the big life-changing decisions, but in the little, every-day choices I have to make, I can be doing those small things that will help me feel closer to God and to my family and I'll have the assurance that I'll have help making the big choices.

So, next time you have to make a difficult decision, just remember:

...Hm, I was gonna say something witty right there, but couldn't come up with anything. And I don't want to spell out the moral of the story. So...

Pedro, just listen to your heart. That's what I do.

Things I Miss About Provo...

I love being home. I really do. I missed my parents and my younger siblings during the school year. But the past couple days I've been homesick for my Provo home, and kinda wish I could be in two places at once. Or that my opportunity costs of moving home to Oakley weren't so great. And because I know I shouldn't be whiny and unhappy, and people don't want to hear me being whiny and unhappy, I'm just going to vent to my blog instead of at people, and then the people who really want to hear my complaining can read it and everyone else will be spared. 

Here's what I miss about Provo:

• My fantastical roommates. I miss Jennifer and Michelle being the best/craziest twin roommates I've ever had. I miss being sarcastic with Melissa and laughing with Catherine. I miss Lindsay's unselfishness and having good talks.
• Brownstone Apartments. Brownstock 2011, Ward Prayer, movies in random apartments, dessert night...
• The BYU 91st ward!
• Trista's chicken nuggets, and babysitting my favoritest nephew
• The mountains
• Doing stuff with Daxson
• Concerts
• The HFAC!!! 
• My music major buddies, namely Spencer and Bryan Lew and Eliza and Mark and Laura Bennion and the Christensens and all of my oboe pals and...wow, I shouldn't have started this list, because I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop, and when I do stop there will still be more people, and they'll feel left out. I'll just do the next 7 that I think of: Nah, actually, I'll just stop, and all you reading this, just know that I miss ALL the music majors. Well, most of them. No, all. Maybe. Oh, Jonathan Evans and Nate and Tim and...there are lots more. And Robert and Rob! And the peeps in my quintet. And Lauren and Dustin and Todd Kitchen. I think Todd has a cool name. I miss all my professors, too. And Jacob Mecham! And Halie Augustus!
• Movie nights with Eliza and Bryan and Spencer and Mark...even though it only happened once this year...
• Provo Temple
• Kyle and Jennifer's TV. And mostly Kyle and Jennifer. 
• Curtis
• Weekly campus devotionals/lots of great church things
• Visiting Tricia and Mark and JC every Sunday
• Iceskating!
• BYU library
• I know I already kinda mentioned him by saying I miss Brownstone and my ward and the HFAC and my music major buddies and the Christensens, but...I really miss Jordan. So he's on this list like 6 times. Don't ask me why, he was kind of a bumface sometimes. I miss homemade rolls and peanut butter cookies.
• Grocery shopping with Jonathan, and Jonathan trying to get me to go grocery shopping.
• Seeing Danielle in the HFAC and telling her of all my woes.
• Running into people I know on campus and getting hugs.
• Jimmer
• My FHE brothers. They really should go higher up on this list. They were great friends and we did lots of fun things.
• My super comfy couches and mammoth TV. I miss having people come over to my apartment and feeling at home there, especially for Break the Fast. We had a great apartment.
• Getting dinner from/cooking with/cooking for my siblings
• Watching football and basketball with my brothers
• Meeting lots of new people, and being around lots of people. I like people.
• Reed class
• Being in school...not homework and tests, but the actual going to class and learning things that I want to learn.
• Opportunities to try new things
• My freshman roommates...seeing Sarah and Elise in Mission Prep twice a week

So, I dunno, there are a few things that I kinda miss a little. And if I wanted I could list things I like about being home in Idaho, but that would completely defeat the purpose of this negative post. I won't stay grumpy all summer, I just needed a second to feel sorry for myself. 

Blogs are fun...

So, I'm sitting here wanting to write a meaningful or clever blog post, but nothing is coming to my brain. And I'm pretty sure I know why...finals weak destroyed my ability to think! The good news is that I get a break for a couple of weeks, and then I get to start another semester of classes that are even more demanding than the ones I just finished! Woo-hoo! I love learning. I really do. Even when it hurts sometimes. 
I think I like a lot of things that hurt. I like the feeling of, after you've fallen asleep on your arm or with your arm above your head, and it goes completely numb...I like that feeling of pins and needles when your arm is waking up. I also love getting really sore muscles massaged out. The other day I was in Salt Lake, and it was freezing outside, and I was wearing a skirt without any stockings or tights, and my legs and my face were pretty dern cold...the tiny sting felt good, and once I was back in the warm car it felt good to melt back to normal body temperature. 
I like crying. I like feeling emotion. I love it when I encounter these two things because of music. What would life be without music? I submit that it would not even be life. I'm listening to a few Jason Mraz albums right now that Daxson gave to me. Jason does some really great things with his music, and I also find some things I don't like. I love being able to learn my own style and personality by listening to other people's creations. I feel most inspired when I'm listening to other people's music, and then I get all these ideas and I just want to sit down and write, but usually this happens when I'm in the middle of some big school assignment or have really important stuffs going on and then the inspiration leaves. I need more time.
Doesn't everyone? Everyone just needs more time. Or to take back time and change things a little bit the second time through. Time to do the things that keep us sane, that remind us that everything we're doing, all of the busy-ness in our lives, isn't for nothing. Speaking of time, I have quite a few relaxing, unimportant things to get done today, so I'd better get on that. And look, all of my ramblings turned into a slightly-disjointed blog post!

No-man's Land

I know where I'm ultimately headed. But sometimes I get confused along the way. Some people say that life is black and white, and then there are those that live in between that scoff at the people who can't see gray. I don't even know what I'm seeing. I look at things, at people, and they just are how they are. For the most part I'm living how I want to live and I'm working towards becoming who I want to be, and even though people I'm close to live very different lives than me, it's okay. I haven't always thought this way. I used to live my life looking through binoculars, only through the side that makes things look smaller, not bigger. I didn't know how many other ways of living there are. I guess maybe I used to be one of those black-and-white folks, but now I'm kinda ridin' in no-man's land. I'm not looking through sunglasses, I do know that there is definitely a right and a wrong; I'm just hanging from a tree in an odd position where maybe I'm not looking at the same things as everybody else in this world, and I need to figure out how to get my view back down to the point it used to be at, without sacrificing my knowledge of other people's views. Ya know, do a back-flip off the branch I'm hanging from, land safely on the ground, and then look through my binoculars the correct way, instead of cutting others out of my sight like before.

My heart is also in no-man's land. Almost everything in life right now makes sense in my head, but I feel kind of like my heart was put in a sound-proof room, maybe one of the practice rooms in the dungeon of the Harris Fine Arts building on BYU campus. Or maybe it was put in a fish aquarium, with a lid tight on top, so I can kinda feel when something shakes it, but everything is muffled and dulled. People can come and look at it and tap the glass, but it's not really moving anywhere. It's a slightly weird sensation. I'm trying to make decisions right now that, it would be nice if my heart would give me a little clue of what it's feeling, but I have to rely on just my head to tell me what's logical. Logic isn't always right. So, I make a choice in my head, then wait for my heart to react because, I think that's how things are supposed to work. Buuuuut...my heart won't tell me anything. Not good or bad. It just sits there. Neutral. In no-man's land. In the fishbowl. Wearing sunglasses. A blob of muscle that, yes, is keeping me alive physically, but I'm pretty sure that's not all it's there for. 

Is there a solution to this? Let's check with my head really fast....

Yeah, my head tells me that, technically, I should be able to change this. Oh, I have a good idea, why don't we ask my heart?

. . .

"Bla bla bla, you can either change it, or just keep it the same. I don't care. I'm content with either outcome. I kinda like just floating around this fish tank."

I don't know where I'm going with this. Basically all I'm saying is, hopefully you're not waiting for me to make a decision that is crucial to your well-being. And I'm not saying I'm unhappy, because life is good. I'm not extremely in love or extremely hateful towards anyone or anything, I'm merely content. Contentment is okay, because that means I'm not sad. However, I'm not content with staying content forever...

Are my resolutions being resolved?

So, here we are, halfway through 2010...Have you been working towards the New Years resolutions you made? Do you even remember what you resolved to do? Here's an update on how I've been doing...

I made a goal to go to the temple at least twice a month while I was living in Provo...I done good (yes, I meant to use improper grammar) in January, but then went for a while without going...and I went at the end of May, but basically, I need to repent and be better when I get back down to Provo.

So...clean my room every Saturday...uh, nope! Kinda completely forgot about that one! I did keep my half of my apartment room a lot cleaner winter semester than I did fall semester, though.

I also had the goal to get together with my siblings and siblings-in-law that live in Provo at least twice a month...I saw Kyle & Jennifer and Daxson a lot, but I've only been to Jerry and Danielle's like twice in the past 4 months. Shame! I'll be better next semester.

And then...be on-time for my 8:00 Music Theory class...That one went fairly well. Actually, I was late a lot, but I justify my tardiness 'cause lots of people were late for that class. So...I don't need to be better, I just need to not sign up for 8:00 classes in the future...unless there happens to be a cute boy in that class again to tempt me into forcing myself to wake up that early...

So, I guess I should maybe work a little harder for the second half of the year. Oh, I haven't completely failed with my resolutions...'cause my roommates and I dubbed "two-thousand ten" to be "the year of men." And that's going quite well :)

Rejoice Through Fasting

     A couple days ago I went to the Provo temple with my roommate and two of the guys in our ward to do baptisms for the dead. We got there and could see through the window from the front desk into the waiting room for the baptistry that it was completely full. The worker at the desk told us there would be at least a two hour wait, so we went on in and started our waiting!
     I love the Spirit in the temple. Because we had a couple hours of just sitting and waiting to do confirmations and baptisms, there was a lot of time for reflecting and studying the scriptures. I read out of the Book of Mormon in Alma about Moroni's battle victories, and then I read the first verse of Alma 45 and something hit me that I'd never realized before:
     "Behold, now it came to pass that the people of Nephi were exceedingly rejoiced, because the Lord had again delivered them out of the hands of their enemies; therefore they gave thanks unto the Lord their God; yea, and they did fast much and pray much, and they did worship God with exceedingly great joy."
     The Nephites fasted to thank God for delivering them in battle! I'd never thought of fasting as anything except a way to ask God for things that you need, but the Nephites used it as a method of Thanksgiving. I guess that makes sense, though...we're told to pray not only when we want blessings, but also to thank our Father in Heaven for all that He has given us. I believe that praying and fasting are a blessing given to us more for our benefit than for God's, so maybe it would do me some good to have a fast every once in a while where I'm strictly thanking my loving Father in Heaven for all He has done for me. When's the last time you fasted just because you love God?
     I felt such a great peace and warmth this time that I went to the temple. One of the ladies working in the women's dressing room said that was the busiest she's seen the baptistry ever since she started working there, and we ended up being at the temple for 3 hours. Isn't it great that there were so many people there to do the work? I love living in Provo so close to a temple, and I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.

How Quickly Things Change In 33 Days:

33 days ago, I wasn't an aunt. Now, today, little Kalan is a month old! 33 days ago I didn't have pierced ears, and my hair was more than halfway down my back. 33 days ago I had 430 less iTunes songs than I do now. 33 days ago Oakley's ward boundaries were the same as they've been for the past 30 or so years. 33 days ago I'd never been snowboarding. 33 days ago I wasn't quite sick of Freshman guys. 33 days ago I didn't have a metronome for practicing my oboe, and I didn't even have my own oboe with me. 33 days ago I wasn't worried about keeping my scholarship. 33 days  ago my room was clean. 33 days ago I didn't have a boyfriend. Oh wait, I still don't! Darn. I guess some things take a little longer than 33 days to change.  

Back to Blogging...

I haven't blogged in over a year, since my 18th birthday. Now's as good a time as ever to start again, I guess! I don't know if anyone even reads my blog, but here goes!

Today's blog is going to be more of a stream of consciousness...Because I don't really have anything in particular to write about, I'll just keep rambling on for a while! Today is my first day back to college after Christmas break, and I'm going on to Semester #2! I really think I'm going to like my schedule this semester. I had Music Theory at 8:00 this morning, and now I'm done for the day! That's how my Fridays are going to be as well, and Wednesdays aren't too bad.

One may ask, "How has Jillian been at BYU a whole semester and she's not engaged yet, let alone gotten a boyfriend?!" The answer is simple: I'm in a Freshman ward! It really is a lot of fun. I love my bishop, and the kids in my ward are just fantastic. It's kind of sad how the world works at BYU; Freshman girls meet all those super-fun guys during their first year, and then all of them leave on their missions so us girls have to start all over again our Sophomore year! It also stinks for the guys 'cause when they get off their missions all the girls they met before are married. But life is good!

My roommates and I decided upon a new theme for our apartment this semester (Last semester it was Hawaiian pictures everywhere)...Disney princesses!! We concluded that, since only one of us six has ever kissed a guy, we're going to make "2010 the year of men!" It rhymes! On our front door into our apartment we have a castle and then underneath a picture of the 6 main Disney princesses with each of our names under them. I'm Sleeping Beauty, Amy is Snow White, Chanel is Jasmine, Sarah is Belle, Jessica's Cinderella, and Amanda is Ariel. When you come in through the front door and into our hallway, we have pictures of each of our princes. My Prince Philip is just dashing! But, yep, it's lots of fun!

With it being a new year, I decided to give in and make some resolutions. Here are a few of them:

• Go to the temple to do baptisms for the dead at least twice a month
• Clean my room at least every Saturday night so that it's clean for Sunday
• Get together with my older brothers (and Jennifer and Danielle) here in Provo at least twice a month (I only saw each of them a couple times last semester, which is pretty sad seeing as we all live within like a mile radius of each other)
• Be on-time for my 8:00 Music Theory class!

I think this year is going to be fantastic, and a big changing time in my life. (How could it not be fantastic with the theme "2010: The Year of Men"??!) I'm excited to continue on with school and all that good stuff.

Whelp, I'm off to do laundry and other important things! Adios.

Happy 18th Birthday?

Where is the justice in a world that allows a person to go from being a mature young lady one day to an immature little adult the next? Gretchen summed up my thoughts in one simple question: "Mommy, how come Jillian and Victoria turned a year older but they're still just as immature as before?" Really, I don't know the answer to that question. At least Victoria still has 2 years to become as mature as an adult, but I'm already thrust into this cold, cruel world of boring maturity.

So, tomorrow I get to go renew my driver's license... "Congratulations on turning 18! Now pay us $20.50 for a little piece of laminated paper." Happy birthday, right? Don't get me wrong, I had an amazing birthday. A lot of my friends remembered and wished me all kinds of happy birthdays (although it's probably just because Facebook reminded them it was my birthday) and my parents gave me fun and thoughtful presents (who wouldn't want a triple-barrel curling iron!?)...my boss and fellow-employees even brought me a present! All in all it was a great day. Supreme pizza for dinner, and chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting for dessert! Oh, and don't forget the Heavenly Hash ice cream!

I guess all I'm trying to say is, yes I'm glad I'm 18, but what's the point? I still have 6 months of high school, still have to obey every rule of my parents, although now I must also be mature while obeying them. I really have no more priveleges, just more responsiblities, and it seems I'm already falling short just 3 days into adulthood. The fact that I know that I really and truly am immature is at least a step to becoming the big adult that everyone expects me to be.