Love

I like making fun of random people I pass by on campus. It's easy to make fun of people you don't know and who you'll probably never see or think of again. Sometimes I'm accidentally judgmental. Sometimes I'm judgmental on purpose. 
     I have a lot of people who love me. I have a lot of good friends who care about me, but they don't all know me very well. There are some people who know me who don't really like me, I'm sure, and these are the people who know me even less than my not-super-close friends know me.
     I have a few best friends. They know a lot about me that most people don't know. They know that sometimes I can be cranky. They know that I'm not always selfless. They know that I tend to be boy crazy, a little bit lazy, and I'm sometimes a perfectionist. They know a lot of my flaws. But they love me anyway! They love me even more than my not-so-close friends do who only mostly see my good side. 
     My family knows me even better than my best friends do. They've lived with me for most of my life. They've fought with me, they've tried to teach me to share and love and work. They've seen me be overly angry and really sad. They've experienced hard things with me, they've forgiven me for hurting them. They know most of my weaknesses. And even though they know all these things, they still love me! They love me even more than my best friends do! They love me unconditionally. I don't think there's anything I could do to make them not love me. 
     I know myself. I know myself better than any of my friends know me, better than my family knows me. I know that sometimes I fall short of what I'm trying to accomplish. It's easy to be hard on myself. But I still love me! I love the gifts I've been blessed with, I love how my mind works, I love who I am. Despite all my flaws.
     God knows me perfectly. He knows things about me I don't even know. He knows all the things my acquaintances and friends know, He knows all that my family knows about me, He knows what I know, and He knows things about me that I haven't even discovered yet. He knows better than anyone my faults. He knows where I've faltered in the past, and what I'll have problems with in the future. He knows me so completely, and yet He still loves me completely! He loves me more than anyone, ever. His love is perfect for me. 
     I don't understand love. But I have come to better understand that the more you get to know someone, the more you love them. I have friends who, when I first met them, I really didn't think we'd get along. Some of them I didn't know if I wanted to try to get along. But, what always happens is, when I make an effort to get to really know them, I end up loving them! For all a person's imperfections, they still have something about them that makes it impossible to not love them. 
     In the process of getting to truly know someone, you usually get hurt. You learn things that could make you unhappy. But to really know someone you have to make it through these things. And then you love them. And each time you learn something new, each pleasant moment you experience or each battle you fight, you love that someone more and more. 
     I've been told that you can't claim to hate a piece of music until you've completely mastered it and know every part to it. A lot of times people say they hate a piece of music when they first start learning it, simply because they can't play it and it frustrates them. It doesn't sound good at first when you're stumbling to read and find notes. It's easy to just give up on these pieces to learn something easier. But if everyone did this, we'd miss out on a lot of great works! The more time you spend with a piece of music--learning about the composer, studying the form, practicing the notes and expression--the more beautiful it becomes, and you almost feel as if you own it. Maybe you do own it. I dare you to spend time making something beautiful and then try to hate it.
...
Knowledge is power. And power is love.

Eenie Meenie Miney Moe...

...Catch a tiger by the toe! Well, I'm not sure what exactly I'm trying to catch...I do know that I have a lot of choices, though. That's how my whole life seems to be the past few years: me trying to choose between two or three really good options, and then getting so fed up with not knowing what to do that I essentially play Eenie Meenie Miney Moe to decide, and hope that things turn out alright. And they usually do. So I guess it's a pretty good system!

I have a lot of big decisions to make this year. Isn't agency wonderful? Sometimes it can get depressing, not feeling like prayers are being answered in regards to making important choices, and not even knowing what I most want; 'cause if I knew what I wanted, then the choice wouldn't be difficult at all! It's the fact that every time I've had to make an important decision all choices I consider are good ones and are equally appealing that makes it frustrating to have to decide. But then, luckily, every once in a while I'm able to step back just a little bit and think, "Hey! I have multiple good choices in front of me! I must be doing something right." No matter what I choose, I'll be able to learn things and grow and develop relationships and...things will turn out alright!

"Agency used righteously allows light to dispel the darkness and enables us to live with joy and happiness" (http://lds.org/general-conference/2006/04/to-act-for-ourselves-the-gift-and-blessings-of-agency?lang=eng). One thing I want more than anything is to have God trust my decisions and therefore give me guidance when I really need it most. So I should be jumping for joy at the chance to use my agency and prove I'm capable of making good choices! 'Cause then guess what? Light will dispel the darkness and I can live with joy and happiness, knowing that I can make smart decisions and God is watching over me. And, not even just in the big life-changing decisions, but in the little, every-day choices I have to make, I can be doing those small things that will help me feel closer to God and to my family and I'll have the assurance that I'll have help making the big choices.

So, next time you have to make a difficult decision, just remember:

...Hm, I was gonna say something witty right there, but couldn't come up with anything. And I don't want to spell out the moral of the story. So...

Pedro, just listen to your heart. That's what I do.

Things I Miss About Provo...

I love being home. I really do. I missed my parents and my younger siblings during the school year. But the past couple days I've been homesick for my Provo home, and kinda wish I could be in two places at once. Or that my opportunity costs of moving home to Oakley weren't so great. And because I know I shouldn't be whiny and unhappy, and people don't want to hear me being whiny and unhappy, I'm just going to vent to my blog instead of at people, and then the people who really want to hear my complaining can read it and everyone else will be spared. 

Here's what I miss about Provo:

• My fantastical roommates. I miss Jennifer and Michelle being the best/craziest twin roommates I've ever had. I miss being sarcastic with Melissa and laughing with Catherine. I miss Lindsay's unselfishness and having good talks.
• Brownstone Apartments. Brownstock 2011, Ward Prayer, movies in random apartments, dessert night...
• The BYU 91st ward!
• Trista's chicken nuggets, and babysitting my favoritest nephew
• The mountains
• Doing stuff with Daxson
• Concerts
• The HFAC!!! 
• My music major buddies, namely Spencer and Bryan Lew and Eliza and Mark and Laura Bennion and the Christensens and all of my oboe pals and...wow, I shouldn't have started this list, because I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop, and when I do stop there will still be more people, and they'll feel left out. I'll just do the next 7 that I think of: Nah, actually, I'll just stop, and all you reading this, just know that I miss ALL the music majors. Well, most of them. No, all. Maybe. Oh, Jonathan Evans and Nate and Tim and...there are lots more. And Robert and Rob! And the peeps in my quintet. And Lauren and Dustin and Todd Kitchen. I think Todd has a cool name. I miss all my professors, too. And Jacob Mecham! And Halie Augustus!
• Movie nights with Eliza and Bryan and Spencer and Mark...even though it only happened once this year...
• Provo Temple
• Kyle and Jennifer's TV. And mostly Kyle and Jennifer. 
• Curtis
• Weekly campus devotionals/lots of great church things
• Visiting Tricia and Mark and JC every Sunday
• Iceskating!
• BYU library
• I know I already kinda mentioned him by saying I miss Brownstone and my ward and the HFAC and my music major buddies and the Christensens, but...I really miss Jordan. So he's on this list like 6 times. Don't ask me why, he was kind of a bumface sometimes. I miss homemade rolls and peanut butter cookies.
• Grocery shopping with Jonathan, and Jonathan trying to get me to go grocery shopping.
• Seeing Danielle in the HFAC and telling her of all my woes.
• Running into people I know on campus and getting hugs.
• Jimmer
• My FHE brothers. They really should go higher up on this list. They were great friends and we did lots of fun things.
• My super comfy couches and mammoth TV. I miss having people come over to my apartment and feeling at home there, especially for Break the Fast. We had a great apartment.
• Getting dinner from/cooking with/cooking for my siblings
• Watching football and basketball with my brothers
• Meeting lots of new people, and being around lots of people. I like people.
• Reed class
• Being in school...not homework and tests, but the actual going to class and learning things that I want to learn.
• Opportunities to try new things
• My freshman roommates...seeing Sarah and Elise in Mission Prep twice a week

So, I dunno, there are a few things that I kinda miss a little. And if I wanted I could list things I like about being home in Idaho, but that would completely defeat the purpose of this negative post. I won't stay grumpy all summer, I just needed a second to feel sorry for myself.