Friday, February 3, 2012

Top 27 Ways to Offend Someone on Facebook

I often seem to say the wrong things on Facebook and even in texts. I think this is because there are a lot of people on Facebook that don't know me and my sense of humor very well. I'll be the first to admit, I am pretty weird. Also, it's hard to put feeling and sarcasm and love and tears into writing/text. Just know that people seem to think a lot more into things I say than I do. Sometimes I just say things. For fun. Or just for whatever. And if I ever seriously have a problem with someone, I don't post about it on Facebook. If I say something that sounds like I'm angry at someone, or trying to solve my problems by making a post rather than actually talking to the person in question, there's a 100% chance I'm just joking. I don't really get mad at people too often (at least not outwardly), except for maybe Victoria, but she's my sister AND my roommate (and, come to think of it, I'm usually not even really mad at her when we're being mad at each other.) That being said, I have compiled a list of things you can do (in jest or in all seriousness) if you're aiming to offend your Facebook friends:

  1. Say the word "fat" or "chubby" when referring to any human being, especially a female human being.
  2. Make a racist comment or joke. Those are fun.
  3. Call Justin Bieber a girl. (This is a serious sin.)
  4. State your opinion on someone's clearly-politically-debatable status update.
  5. Point out that someone is wrong on their own status update.
  6. Tell the family members of a Facebook friend that THEY are wrong on friend's status update.
  7. Get into an argument with a Facebook friend after they try defending their stupid family member(s) on their own status update.
  8. Belittle or make fun of a profession that is very likely the profession of some of your facebook friends' parent(s). 
  9. Post a Michael Bublé song on your brother's wall. Most especially Christmas songs. (I personally would like it if someone were to do this for me, but some people find it offensive. Weird, I know.)
  10. Post videos of family members/friends doing hilariously embarrassing dances to equally embarrassing songs.
  11. Be funnier in a comment on someone's status than the actual "funny" status was itself.
  12. Call someone a whore. (I personally have never tried this one, because it's as rude and unnecessary and derogatory in real life as it is in Facebook life, but I see a lot of drama about this one in some of my more dramatic and unintelligent Facebook friends.)
  13. Call your Facebook friends unintelligent.
  14. Start a discussion on modesty/guys blaming girls' dress for their dirty thoughts.
  15. Swear
  16. Denounce your religion and then dare your family/friends to hate you for the choices you've made and the life that you've decided to live.
  17. Tell a friend or family member that you love them despite their choices (because obviously they were trying to start an argument, not engender feelings of love).
  18. Post pictures of wedding cakes/engagement rings on single friends' walls. (Ha, just kidding, Mom.) 
  19. "Like" it when a friend changes from "in a relationship" to "single." (Unless it really was a good thing, and they're happy with it, I guess.)
  20. Comment on a friend's frequent changes in relationship statuses. ("Who is it this time?")
  21. Use inappropriate language/tell inappropriate jokes. (This usually only offends your mother.)
  22. Try to correct someone and end up sounding too much like their mother.
  23. Post pictures of random bleeding/mangled body parts. Gross.
  24. Make fun of something that someone holds truly dear. Like their hometown. Or home state. Or their state vegetable. 
  25. Get offended when people say something offensive in a post. And then tell them how offended you are, and why. In an offensive tone, of course.
  26. Unfriend someone. But not before posting a status update about how you're about to go and delete all of the people who aren't very important to you.
  27. Post before you think.
I was going to keep going, but realized I was already at 27. So maybe these aren't the TOP top ways of offend facebookly, but they are 27 ways. Feel free to add comments with more methods you have discovered to be effectively offensive.


Kristen said...

That was hilarious. I agree. But I'm also terrified to comment on any of your posts ever again. But maybe that's what you were going for.

This also brings up the reason I quit doing smileys, for the most part. Because if I need a smiley to convey that I'm not a jerk, then what I said probably was jerky. But I'm like you - I never really get mad and even when I'm arguing I still respect the other person's view. But I'm not out to annoy people. I like it when people comment on mine so I assume they want me to comment on theirs too. WRONG-O! I'm finally learning.

Did I exceed the comment capacity yet? You are a fantastic person, Jilly-in.

Jilli-Billi said...

Kristen, I always like your comments on my blog posts. When it comes to facebook, don't be scared! Comment away! What's the worst that can happen? You offending me? Psh, right. And even if they would have offended me before, now after writing this post I have to work extra hard at being not offended so that people can't be offended by this post.

Danielle said...

I would say about once a day I start to post something or comment on something and then realize.."this is probably going to offend someone." Sometimes I go ahead and post it anyways, but usually the more compassionate side wins and I don't end up doing it. In some ways I think it is good that I have had to learn to censor myself, but if you know me in real life, then you know I rarely censor myself. so it's a toss up.
i love some of the suspiciously specific things on this list.
also, i just want you to know that you can offend me all you want on fb, because i probably won't notice.